"Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline."

• "If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
  "If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
  "If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
  "If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.  Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.
  "If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
  "If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press.  No one will answer."

I saw this on the office door of a psychologist (academic, not clinical), and she kindly made me a copy.  It is credited to Jacquelyn Mayerhofer.